The Voice Inside My Head Part Eighteen

June 2010

At the beginning of June the Tribunals Service informed me that my ESA appeal was to be heard on the 29th of that month. The appeal was to be heard at a local medical centre twenty minutes walk from where I lived. The CAB got in touch and briefed me on the appeals procedure – I was to be questioned by a doctor and a ‘legal expert’ regarding my circumstances back in December 2009 when my ESA was withdrawn. The bad news was that the CAB would not be able to represent me as they could only attend the morning sessions and mine was in the afternoon. This was a huge disappointment for me as the thought of being grilled by what I assumed were biased civil servants intimidated me greatly. The CAB assured me that the panel would be neutral and would look at the evidence from a medical and legal viewpoint, there would be no preconceived outcome and I had a very good case. It was plain bad luck that the CAB had other commitments that afternoon, I would imagine that like a lot of public services they are underfunded and overstretched. At the next Doorway session I spoke to Lisa Lewis who by chance would be attending the afternoon appeals sessions – Lisa would be supporting another Doorway guest whose appeal was being heard directly before mine, and was willing to support me. I gratefully accepted this offer. I informed my keyworker of the latest developments and he offered to support me as well. Strange as it may seem, I declined his offer; too many cooks. Doorway had been there for me from the beginning, they had been there when I was a totally screwed, shuffling wreck of humanity terrified of his own shadow. Doorway had my trust and believe you me when you are f***** mentally, trust is not easily earned or given.

I was tense and nervous in the tribunal waiting area. Lisa was in a positive frame of mind, I just wanted to get it over and done with. The tribunal itself was conducted in a very fair manner. The questions asked were probing, pertinent, both panel members studying me intently, looking at body language and actually listening to my replies. This was what I wanted all along, to be judged as a human being, not as a reference number. It didn’t matter if I won or lost what mattered was a fair hearing. This was something that Atos should have done all those months ago. The Doctor picked up on my head tremor and asked about any injuries I had received during my sabbatical in which vodka became my new best friend; he suggested quite strongly that I got it checked out. The questions stopped abruptly when I mentioned my consideration of suicide as an exit strategy. Lisa told me afterwards that this was the moment she knew that the appeal would be upheld. We were sent out for a few moments in order for the two of them to confer, then called back in to be told my appeal had succeeded. I would get six months backdated benefit and full ESA from now on, I would no longer require sick notes from my GP and my case would be reviewed in six months.

I was glad that I had persevered and fought a decision I regarded as ludicrous and patently unjust, but I was resentful of the original decision that caused me such grief and stress at a vulnerable time of my life. I could have so easily called it a day and drowned in Jim Beam – I was one of the lucky ones, I stayed away from that path. The CAB told me later that six appeals had been heard that day and all six were upheld. To put it bluntly six people had their lives wrongly f***** over for six months by Atos on behalf of the state in order to save a few quid over the short-term. Bitter? – not me!!!

(Editor’s note – part 18 was written at the same time as part 17 – samsa.k feels they should in some ways be taken as a whole, as he feels his battles with mastering IT and his struggles with the housing banding in many ways increased his sense of empowerment and so contributed towards him fighting through the appeal)

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