Wednesday December 7th, Croft Sports Centre, Old Town, Swindon – the Swindon and Wiltshire Adult Inclusion Festival. Doorway’s third time in a football tournament (following on our appearances at WASP 2011 and OSIC 2011), and our first playing in the new (very pink) pink kit.

The decision to enter this competition could only be made once the work commitments of staff / volunteers / chauffeurs were known, and once we were confident we would have enough players to send a squad of up to 8 players to play 5 games of 5-a-side football (with roll-on / roll-off substitutes).

There was an early hiccup with the entry form, which was requiring, 4 weeks in advance, names of players, and their dates of birth. Doorway treats very seriously the confidentiality of the information it holds regarding gueats, and was not prepared to submit the date of birth details. Also, due to the often complicated lives of many of the guests of the project, it is difficult to guarantee attendance several weeks ahead. Although, having said that, one would have to say that the level of commitment and dependabililty shown by many of the players has been and remains exceptionally good. As for the dates of birth, all of the individual guests I spoke to were in fact happy to give that detail to me separately for the purposes of the tournament if needed

These issues were taken up with the organiser, Adam Greaney, the ‘Get Into Football’ Officer at Wiltshire County F.A., who was very understanding and helpful, was happy with a signed blanket declaration that all players were over 18, and understood that there might be squad adjustments prior to first kick off.

There was also the same issue as with the Oxford Social Inclusion Cup – the tournament was F.A. sanctioned (and in this case, organised), and so mixed gender teams would not be allowed. This was again a major disappointment for one of our female ‘regulars’ (the other regular would not have been available due to work). More of this issue later.

The staff / volunteer availability was eventually sorted out after it was negotiated that Doorway would not play in the opening pair of matches (more help given from Adam) so Kev could come straight from another commitment to meet us at the Croft.

By the time the Wednesday dawned, the number of teams taking part had gone down from 8 to 6, as two sadly could not achieve the staff cover to send their teams. The format would therefore be a round-robin league where each team played 5 20-minute games, sometimes two in a row, with no half-time, on an outdoor 3G pitch. We would really need to use all our players, as the schedule would be physically hard. So it was a worry when we were near the time to leave Chippenham, and potentially only had 5 players, as two hadn’t turned up, and the availability of another hadn’t been confirmed. It turned out subsequently that one had had problems with his new alarm, another had had a domestic crisis and also a problem with his phone, so couldn’t let us know. The third, was tracked down in time, so at least we would have 6.

When we arrived at the Croft, we saw my friend Jon Regler, of Streets Revolution, and a major inspiration for our project. He thought that Streets Revolution Swindon might have a spare player, but though this turned out not to be the case, he said he was happy to play for us – and, as it proved, we certainly needed him!

Conditions were dry but very windy (Old Town is on a hill side), but the pitch looked lovely, and it was good to know we wouldn’t be subject to the usual Astroturf ‘sanding-down’ grazes if we fell over. We got changed into our pink kit, and were really rather pleased with how it looked, and how well the Doorway logo stood out. Our thanks are very sincerely due to Peter and Beccy Wanless for funding the kit (and, before anybody asks, this was nothing to do with Peter’s role as CEO of the Big Lottery Fund, and everything to do with them being really nice and generous people with Chippenham links).

We watched one of the first pair of games, which seemed to be of a decent standard, and then we were on, against the Salisbury Saxons. We started like an express train, and stormed into a 2-0 lead before the opposition had had a chance to settle. They then fought back to 3-2 up, before we levelled and scored a late winner. The next game, by contrast, the second of two back-to-back, found us fighting back to level, only to lose to almost the last kick of the match due to an unfortunate mistake.

The day continued to be a matter of ebb and flow during games, often depending on whether key players were needing to take a breather. We were best served by playing to our futsal-trained strengths of keeping the ball on the ground, and playing a pass-and-move possession game. We went into our last two games, having won the third game comfortably after falling behind, and having watched WASP and Sportz Central Club battling out a high-scoring draw, knowing that if we won our last two games, against those two sides, top place would be achieved.

The game against our old friends from WASP started with Doorway exerting lots of pressure, but Lee G putting them ahead against the run of play. We then galloped away to a 6-1 win, so local bragging rights were secured, if nothing else. But the last match, for top place, against the young and fit Sportz Central, was a ‘bridge too far’. An early lead, but first tiredness, and then injury, kicked in. Chris pulled a muscle, attempted to come back on after a short break, and then the injury broke down altogether after we’d pulled back to 3-4. We were well beaten in the end. The man short had come home to roost, but we had lost to a good side.

We think we came second, on goal difference from SCC, but Adam was not making a final table available, as he wanted the day to be about taking part rather than winners and losers. We all certainly enjoyed ourselves thoroughly, and were very happy with the overall performances. There was resilience to be proud of – we won 3 out of the 5 games, and in all of those we were behind at one stage (we were ahead at some point in 4 out of the 5, but that’s another matter…). Some of the football played by Doorway was superb, with some great finishing (including Chris’s goal direct from a corner!). One of our players said afterwards that “the first 5 minutes of the first game were the best we’ve ever played”

Great thanks are due to Jon, as we really needed his help on the pitch – and he may be playing on memory nowadays, but he clearly has some decent skills to remember. He kindly tweeted afterwards “happy to help, a great day, and a great bunch of lads”.

In his speech at the end, Adam talked of the possibility of a regular league. Our players are very excited by this possibility, but, assuming it takes place on midweek daytimes, there will be logistical problems of staff / volunteer availability. But we shall see…

As for the issue of mixed-gender participation – I can’t see any easy way round this. As the ‘homeless football’ movement in England is becoming more and more established. links with the Football Association are becoming stronger, and tournaments are now running under the FA umbrella. And that means no mixed gender teams for over 13 year-olds. It’s a battle that has been fought all over the world, and I don’t see things changing any time soon….

But ending on a more positive note, another really enjoyable and creditable day, making all involved feel better about themselves, flying the flag for Doorway, and we sometimes have to pinch ourselves to think how far Doorway’s football project has come in such a short space of time. Enormous thanks to all teams involved for their participation, friendliness and sportsmanship, and to Adam for his excellent organisation.

The results and Doorway scorers:

Doorway 4  (Chris, Guy 2, Kev) Salisbury Saxons 3

Doorway 2 (Guy, Chris) SCC 3

Doorway 5 (Chris 3, Kev 2). Streets Revolution Swindon 2

Doorway 6 (Chris 3, Kev 2, Guy) WASP 1

Doorway 3 (Chris, Kev, Jon) Sportz Central Club 6

W 3 D 0 L 2 F 20 A 15

The Flickr Photostream of the day:

Related posts:

The Homeless World Cup 2010 and the early days of Doorway football

WASP tournament 2011

Doorway’s ‘Season Review’ 2010/11

The Oxford Social Inclusion Cup 2011

“I don’t know what you want to know.  I don’t know if any of you know anyone who’s been homeless or have been through it yourselves. As someone who has, on more than one occasion, and there’s different issues I have like that, my biggest salvation was finding Doorway. It’s not just that you go there and there’s a signpost pointing you to New Highway, or pointing you here or pointing you there – you’re actually led by the hand. And at that particular time I had actually had a breakdown. And the lady here [Lisa] took me by the hand and led me everywhere, to get me into accommodation and  things like that. The staff, whether they’re paid or they’re not, do all give everything that they can, and it’s giving part of themselves that people like service users like myself appreciate more than anything. Twice since I was…..not had a complete breakdown, but there’s still been a lot of problems, been mentally unstable. Every time,  this lady has helped me out, and picked me back up. She’s got me so much help in different areas, you know, from the Council, going up and doing the talking for me, because I wasn’t strong enough myself. And I think I owe it, from all the people that Doorway has helped like that, to say thank you on behalf of everybody who attends it.

You know, there’s  people with various issues that are probably compounded by homelessness. If you’re not an alcohol abuser or you’re not a drug abuser, you give yourself a few weeks on the streets, and that starts to look like a good alternative. People don’t understand how long, and it’s strange, how long 24 hours is when you’re sat on your own in a doorway. And I used to have my favourites, it was like having second homes – but they just weren’t posh ones. As I say, people have drug issues, they have alcohol issues, and there’s enough people with mental health problems, as you’ll have all gathered. But, even the lot who’ve got no mental  problems, life on the street will soon teach you them. And a lot of it is you’re on your own 24 hrs a day, for days and days at a time, when you can’t even have a conversation any more. Then you really realise how invaluable it is to go to Doorway.

It’s not just the food – although the food is excellent and I recommend it to anyone. The food is excellent, and the people are excellent, and if you can only go there, the people there have a sixth sense. They can come, and they can see you, and see what state you’re in, and they know if you want to be left alone. But they know if you need some sort of companionship. Doorway’s good with everything like that – there are other agencies that don’t, though.

It’s great to see other agencies here because I do understand that funding is very difficult to obtain from  government, or from local government, or council or wherever. So if any of you don’t get your hands in your pockets, pay up!

So, as I say, I cannot praise Doorway enough and thank them all for what they’ve done for me,  and what I’ve seen them do for an awful lot of people – you know, it is a very humbling experience. Me, now, because I’m still not quite stable, and I wouldn’t be able to get employed in a job at the moment, I started doing the only thing that I can think of to say thank you and I do voluntary work. I go to Wiltshire Wood Recycling 3 days a week. I also volunteer for the National Trust on a Wednesday as well. That strength to do that makes me feel that I’m repaying some of the debt I owe – and I owe a lot of people a lot of debt. You have various organisations that do so much for people, and Doorway shows you where they are, it leads you to them, and that’s when you get most benefit, because you don’t have to seek them out yourself, as you’re in no fit state yourself to seek them out.  I used to be quite bitter about being homeless because I’ve had money, and houses, and cars and things like that, but because of different circumstances, various things  have gone wrong. Yes, I’ve lost them a few times. Like that. When I first met Lisa, I think she thought I might pump myself  back up and I didn’t actually, it was all sat there waiting. I think that when you’re a homeless person you can get resentful about things, because you do the ‘woe is me’, we all do that. Even if it’s your own fault or whatever you still do your ‘woe is me’ bit  and  feel sorry for yourself – well, we all do that.

I can remember a time where, you see, on the street you live amongst  the threat of violence 24 hrs a day, people spitting at you, calling you a tramp. I’ve got pasted a couple of times, people want to piss on you while you’re lying in a doorway. They’re all bad things, but that’s part of life being homeless and if you think that, oh yeah, we all sit in the graveyard drinking, it’s because that’s the only bit of companionship you get, so you will do it. And if you can get respite from it, for even a couple of hours, you grab it ….. And especially as a lone person who is homeless, once you start getting to know people, you won’t be on your own, but the first part is very very difficult.  I’m 51, my body is not really designed for the streets  no more. You will take the respite of the drink or drugs – they actually go hand in hand and people don’t understand that . You become homeless and you will – because as I said it just gets those two hours killed. Because you can’t sleep properly and you are freezing cold. One time I was in the door of the optician’s, opposite Woolworth’s, and that was in February, and I was absolutely bitter. And you know what pissed me off the most, was that Woolworth’s had closed down, yet every light was on in there, and every bit of heating was on in there. And I was there. It upset you so much to see so many empty buildings that cannot even be opened up when it’s snowing, or it’s below zero, that people can’t accommodate people who are street homeless. I find that appalling. For such an affluent country, when we got our wealth from raping most of the countries we ran into..…what pisses me off when we have all this amount in our country – there should be no such word as charity. Because charity is exactly what it is, charity. Why should we have charity? Why shouldn’t everybody be entitled to some sort  of standard of living? Why do we have so many people come back from Afghanistan, places like that, and end up on the streets because they can’t cope? We don’t look after them people.

And at the end of the day all the different agencies that have been involved, and what’s resulted and the help they give us, is absolutely invaluable. And I cannot say thanks enough. The only thing I can do is to try to put something back by doing volunteer work myself, something I’m capable of getting.

You know, I’m not a great comfort to anybody. I’m not that sort of person. But physically, yeah, I can hump and dump all day, so that’s my forte, and that’s how I applied for this.

Thank you very very much.”

1st November 2011

I was talking to some of the Doorway volunteers after the AGM. The conversation touched on the difficulty of funding and the explaining of quantifiable outcomes in order to obtain such funding.  I was trying to explain what Doorway had done for me, when I realised that the most important thing that they had done for me was non-quantifiable in terms of funding criteria. In my opinion, and I stress it is merely an opinion, not words of wisdom set in tablets of stone, the most important thing Doorway have done for me is to have helped in the re-discovery of my own humanity. What do I mean by this?  How have they done it? Two simple questions which are incredibly complicated for me to answer due in no small part to the emotional whirlpool-like journey I have experienced.

Recently I bought a member of Doorway a bunch of flowers and thanked her for everything she had done for me.  I thanked her and Doorway for turning me into something that was human again.  I told her that two years previous I couldn’t care a damn about anything yet twenty-four hours after reading something she had posted online I cared enough to turn up and try to boost her morale.  That to me, is a big deal.  It means I am capable of emotions other than fear.  If you are capable of caring about other people, for instance your own family then you can begin to take responsibility for your own actions in order for those actions not to have a detrimental effect on those for whom you love and care for.  With luck this could expand into the neighbourhood you live amongst and with a leap of vivid imagination the society in which you inhabit.  Pretty simplistic airy-fairy nonsense isn’t it ?  Well, f*** you it’s worked for me.

When I first accessed Doorway I was a mess.  I was going through alcohol withdrawal combined with the tail-end of a nervous breakdown (whatever that means), house repossession, homelessness and I had massive trust issues, in fact I trusted no-one.  The world of the alcoholic, drug addict and those with serious mental problems is not a nice world, you will not find an abundance of ethics and morals there. However I would say that, wouldn’t I, what with my trust issues and all. I am sure there are people working within the sector who will point out flaws in my assessment but I am more than happy with my non-objective opinion. Survival is the name of the game, you will do anything to make your crap life a little bit easier.

We are constantly lectured about the perils of booze and drugs. From my own experience I can tell you that booze performed a welcome and necessary function – it DULLED THE PAIN.  When I was going through my suicidal phase I put it off and went down town to stock up with vodka.  I had seen an interview on TV with a therapist who said “Given the option between suicide and alcohol the wise man will choose alcohol”. I remember gulping the vodka down and congratulating myself on my profuse wisdom!

Doorway guests are varied in age and attitude. Some adopt a ‘couldn’t care less’ attitude – when I worked in the Middle East this was called saving face. This defiance is quite often a facade, Doorway volunteers are able to see through this and engage with the human being behind it. For my own part there was no facade just abject terror!  Karen ( who has since moved on) could see this and took me into the cramped Salvation Hall office to fill in the paperwork. She did this partly to calm me down and partly to protect the new boy from being targeted – as stated previously homelessness can be a nasty, vicious world. She filled in the paperwork on my behalf as I couldn’t put a pen to paper because of the shakes.

Karen had a very calming influence on me, she was very encouraging, saying that Doorway had caught me within that short window of opportunity where there was still a great deal of hope for me as I had been sleeping rough for only a couple of weeks.  She said that I should try to stay positive. Doorway would help me with the housing officer and the bureaucracy. She said to take small steps on the road toward re-housing in order not to be overwhelmed by the magnitude of my situation.  She then quoted “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” and “What does not destroy me makes me stronger” There you go – Lao-Tzu and Friedrich Nietzsche, Taoism and Nihilism (Google it, I did) or better still purchase ‘The Cambridge Companion to Nietzsche‘(I have). Karen had an interesting outlook, don’t you think?

Karen and Helen attended two interviews with me at the Council Offices and Lisa attended my hostel interview with me. This helped me cope with my lack of self-confidence, my fear of formal situations and my mistrust of authority. I cannot emphasise enough how beneficial I found it to have Doorway with me at those interviews.  I had a loathing and fear of formal interviews. I always had the feeling that they were trying to catch me out – this feeling was probably caused by my mental fragility than anything else. I didn’t trust people apart from the Doorway staff. Karen quickly gained my trust at that initial meeting, she had empathy, she told me that she had been where I was and had spent a long time sofa-surfing.  Once she had gained my trust then the rest of the Doorway organisation quickly followed.  The way that I coped with the interviews was to basically answer the questions as if they had been asked by a Doorway volunteer, I pretended I was talking to Karen or Helen or Lisa and the interviewer was just eavesdropping.  Lisa also attended my ESA Tribunal alongside me which helped me no end in getting through that whole shambolic affair.

There are times when I am mentally, emotionally living in a very dark place. Those times are now becoming few and far between.  It is not completely dark, for the gloom is fragmented by the flickering flame of a candle.  Doorway, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for providing that candle.

Lisa, when the Lottery fund asks you why you deserve funding, tell them that you provide candles for those in need. Somehow I don’t think that will satisfy the accountants, but that is what you have done for me.

Reading back through the post I know I haven’t done Doorway justice. I know and many others know that when your friends turn away from you because you horrify / appal / disgust them, Doorway won’t.  Doorway will give them hope.  Thats a massive thing to give – probably non-quantifiable!!

OK, so I sort of plagiarised Matthew Arnold and Frederic Raphael  there, but what the hey….

As very recently mentioned on this site, on Monday 10^th October, the Doorway football team took part in the second Oxford Social Inclusion Cup. This competition was organised by the tireless Jon Regler of Streets Revolution , and was timed specifically to coincide with World Homeless Day and World Mental Health Day.

The catchphrase (and Twitter hashtag) for the tournament was #morethanwords, the idea being that people should look beyond stereotypes and labels to see the individual people underneath.

The first tournament took place in 2010, and though Doorway was invited, the drop-in football session was at too early a stage in terms of numbers attending for this to be feasible, and the logistics of getting people to Oxford while a Monday general drop-in session was taking place back in Chippenham were another inhibitory factor.

However, as reported in our first ‘season review’, the number of guests attending the football drop-in has risen during the first year, and the team had really enjoyed the WASP tournament in Trowbridge in May. So when the OSIC invitation came, we really couldn’t wait for the day to come round.

There were challenges to be met – the pitches would be grass, so studded boots, and therefore, as other teams would be wearing studded boots,  shinpads, would be needed, so we tried to beg, borrow and  buy cheaply to plug this gap. And there were, as before, the logistics to consider. For the former, in one case I called in on a friend in Hove to collect some equipment (thanks, Toby). For the latter, Ladyfield Evangelical Church, where the football project plays, really came up trumps, and agreed to provide a minibus and driver for the day.

All adult male footballers are the same size, obviously.

A setback came only five days before the tournament, when the tournament rules arrived, and it sunk in that the Oxfordshire County FA endorsement that Jon had needed to arrange meant that the teams would be male only, as the FA has a rigid policy on not allowing mixed gender teams above the age of 13. I shall not get involved in discussing this here apart from linking to this piece written when mixed teams were not allowed over the age of 11, and noting that adult male teams often have some fairly mismatched physiques.

The person this most affected was Kerrie-Anne, one of our most committed players, who was available and committed to play. We considered withdrawing in solidarity with her, but the decision was turned over to the guests themselves, in line with our policy of the project being as guest-led as possible. It was decided that a team would still be sent, and that Kerrie-Anne would come as a non-playing member of the squad.

And so we set off, as near to 9 a.m as we could manage – Jon Regler had been informed that we couldn’t leave before then, and would not be able to get to Warneford Hospital for the 10 a.m.start. He had agreed that we should not be allocated one of the first games. As it was, we were a little delayed by a misunderstanding with two players over the meeting point. Our driver Jon Brain was cheerful throughout as we eventually assembled our minibusful including the WASP players, and a young American, Zach, who had to tolerate a certain amount of teasing, and ended up playing for the WASP team!

I can only speak for myself, but I was excited but nervous (again). Kev and myself had refereed in Streets Revolution’s 2010 Summer Tournament, and I remembered the standard as being a little better than that of the WASP tournament. And, as at WASP, the tournament would allow high balls, and more ‘robust’ play was likely, than our usual skills-based futsal. Also, teams were coming from all over, from as far afield as Cricklewood, Southend, Huntingdon, Crewe and Leicester. In total, 30 were expected.

When we arrived, about 10:45, it was with relief that we could see that the games had only just got going, and with much less immediate relief (after 90 minutes on the road) that we discovered only 2 toilets in the changing rooms….. A brisk wind was evident, and one of the pitches in particular had a very marked slope. However, the ‘give’ in the turf seemed perfect.

I handed our registration forms into Lindsey Horsfield from Sport For All, who was kind enough to comment on the first football blog on this site a year ago. I then had the chance
to say hello to John Armstrong, Oxford United FC’s Social Inclusion Officer, who was refereeing with Kev and myself at the 2010 SR Summer Tournament mentioned earlier, and whom I was able to tease about us both losing count of the penalties in one of the semi-finals. At least at OSIC 2011 he wasn’t having to be dressed as Olly the Ox…….

The format was of 5 round-robin groups of six teams, 6-a-side, rolling substitutes, 15 minute games. The winners of each group and the three best runners-up would go through to the quarter-finals – the knock-out stage.

Doorway Blues v 'The 'A' Team'

A brief warm-up, and we were underway. First game was against ‘The ‘A’ Team’ (from, if I remember correctly, Witney). A pattern was soon established, which continued throughout our games, of trying to keep a tight defence, linked by Chris to our marauding front pairing of Guy and Kev, who notched one each in a 2-0 win.

Doorway Blues v Booth House

Second game, same scorers, same scoreline, against Booth House from Swindon.

Third game, against Salisbury House, we cruised to 3-0 up with a superb Kev hat-trick. This was all going incredibly well. And then, just before the end, we conceded one. Only a consolation goal in a 3-1 win, but I have a theory that that was the moment it all turned sour. Up to then, including Trowbridge, we had played nearly 10 games, scoring 11 goals and conceding none in regular game play. Our goal was unbreached, we were invincible. And now we weren’t. Or maybe it was the change of pitch. Or the change of referee. Or………

Lee on BBC Oxford

We knew that a win in either of our last two games would see us through. Fourth game was against Oxford Clinic B. Concentration levels weren’t helped by a player fitting on the adjacent pitch (he recovered fine, I’m glad to report), causing suspension of play, but that was the same for both teams, and we already weren’t seeming ‘up for it’ as in the first three games. Some untidy defending led to a penalty being conceded for encroachment into the goalkeeper’s area, and although Lee went the right way, the penalty was blasted high and very effectively into the net. Confusion on our part over whether the ball had gone out at the side and if so, whether the kick-in had been taken, led to their forward getting the ball clean through, unmarked. He slotted home, 2-0, and that was that.

Doorway Blues v Streets Revolution Huntingdon

So, fifth game, Streets Revolution Huntingdon. Other results meant that a win would still put us through, and a draw probably would. But within the first 30 seconds, one of our defenders was caught in possession on the edge of the area, and a very clever finish was what proved to be the only goal of the game. Our edge never returned, and that was that. Eliminated, and off to collect our competitors’ medals and thoughtfully put together goody bags.

The contents of my goody bag - they were all slightly different. That pink thing is a water bottle, by the way.

For the record, the tournament winners were Union Street FC from St Clement’s, Oxford, with the splendid nickname ‘The Minty Badgers’. The Fair Play Cup was won by Oxfordshire MIND and Restore’s joint team, Restore East.

So, a tournament of two halves (well, three fifths and two fifths) for us, and disappointment to miss out on the quarter-finals by a mere point, but reflecting on it, here are some of the positives:

— A year ago, we couldn’t even muster a team to take part in OSIC – now we were easily able to, could even lend a player to WASP (thanks to Tony for agreeing to that), and were a competitive force. And there were some very good teams out there, some of whom play outdoors lots, and even play
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaregularly in leagues. This was only our second
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacompetitive outing.

— We enjoyed the craic on the minibus there and back (thanks are due again to Jon B for putting up with this boisterousness with very good humour), and indeed all day, and built further bridges with our friends from WASP.

- While we were swanning around playing football, the usual drop-in session, the core of Doorway’s work, was going on back in Chippenham.

— We could have been playing on the pitch next to the very loud Jack FM commentator, who was making some merciless comments about some of the mistakes he saw near to him….. On the other hand, Lee did manage to be on the BBC Oxford coverage for about two seconds.

A smiling return to Ladyfield Church

— We generally had a great day at a marvellous and well-run tournament, where players felt respected as individuals and all equal whatever else was in their ‘backstories’.

Some comments from our players, on the minibus home:

“I have mixed feelings about it. We wiped the floor with the first three teams, but then in the last two games we made a couple of minor errors which cost us dearly”

“It was a tournament of two halves for us. Definitely a case of ‘what might have been’”

“The best moment for me was my second goal. We were unlucky – we didn’t get the best of some refereeing decisions. We’re still improving”

“Even though we didn’t qualify for the quarter-finals, we were successful in playing as a team, and I can’t wait until the next one – we’ll smash them!”

“I’m really proud of the guys, both through the way they handled themselves and the efforts they put in. They all did well to turn up at silly o’clock on a Monday. Well done to Kerrie-Anne for turning up to support us despite her disappointment at not being able to play. Jon Regler put on a good show, and the people who attended felt valued. It was quite a diverse tournament. Can’t wait until the next one!”

And from the ‘Minty Badgers’:

“Thanks to you [Jon R] and everyone else involved in making yesterday such a great day – though my knees wouldn’t agree today!
Union Street had not really known what to expect, but the atmosphere was great, and the games were competitive but friendly – a lot friendlier than some of the games we have on Saturdays!”

Just one last thought – the Doorway Blues won’t be the Doorway Blues for much younger. New kit is in the offing. And again, the guests have decided what they want. Apparently, it’ll lull our opponents into a false sense of security……..

Anybody care to help fund it?………….

The Doorway squad at lunchtime

To see more information about any of the pictures, click on them, or click here to go to the Flickr photostream itself.

It’s now just over a year since we launched the Doorway Football Project (V.2) and since, soon after that, I posted this here about that launch and about the Homeless World Cup. It’s also the eve of our second tournament appearance, at OSIC 2011 (The Oxford Social Inclusion Cup, Monday 10^th October, deliberately taking place on World Homeless Action Day / World Mental Health Day). So, it seemed to be an appropriate time to report the way the football drop-in has developed, and how that compares with what we envisaged.

It’s been a hugely enjoyable year. The numbers involved, the fitness, and the skill levels, have all clearly increased. Female guests have played a major part, defying the sexist assumptions of some outside parties. The team played in the WASP tournament in Trowbridge, emerging with great credit for both their performances and their attitude. The involvement from a fairly early point of Chippenham Futsal Club coach Chris made a huge difference in giving our sessions structure and making the skill development more focussed. And generally, we’ve had FUN!

But that’s a subjective snapshot. How do the figures stack up, and what were our original objectives?

The figures:

In the year 2^nd August 2010 to/including 29^th August, we ran 48 drop-in football sessions on Mondays, and took part in the tournament mentioned above. 4 Mondays were lost to Bank Holiday staff unavailability (although sessions took place on the other Bank Holiday Mondays).

Dividing the year into 4 quarters:

Q1: Guests per session: Min 2 Max 3 Ave 2.25
Total players per session: Min 4 Max 7 Ave 5.67

Q2: Guests per session: Min 1 Max 4 Ave 2.83
Total players per session: Min 5 Max 8 Ave 7.17

Q3: Guests per session: Min 1 Max 5 Ave 3.09
Total players per session: Min 5 Max 10 Ave 7.36

Q4: Guests per session: Min 4 Max 9 Ave 6.69
Total players per session: Min 7 Max 15 Ave 10.69

This shows how the early, frankly sometimes dispiritingly, low numbers have increased, and have justified ‘plugging away’. The policy was that however few turned up, we would be there and have some sort of session, come what may. And special thanks to the loyal guests who also kept turning up in those early days, and still do. Julian and Lee, take a bow.

What were our originally stated objectives in the funding application, and how much have we achieved these?

“We aim to:

- Provide supervised football activity for people aged 16+ who would not normally have access to sports opportunities.

- Offer a positive alternative to congregating on the streets outside normal drop in hours.

Undoubtedly achieved. Although in the second case, for only a limited amount of time. However, the project has, by guests’ own testimony, sometimes given them motivation to avoid drinking (we have not had the same conversations re using), at least until after the session….

- Engage with guests of Doorway who are more comfortable expressing themselves through structured physical activity.

- Encourage teamwork / social cohesion amongst guests.

- Take a guest activity outside the confines of the Salvation Army building.

- Provide physical activity and positive social engagement to counteract the boredom of guests’ everyday lives and to improve their general health and sense of wellbeing.

- Promote social cohesion and enhanced teamwork between individual guests.

I think that all of these have been achieved, though it is difficult to find objective measures for some of these outcomes. In terms of fitness, it would have been possible to do very scientific fitness measurements before and during the year, but these would involve specialist equipment and expertise. More worryingly, I might have had to have my own fitness measured, and I’m not sure I can cope with that sort of scrutiny… But guests certainly appear to us to be fitter and stronger on the pitch, and some have tried to put in extra fitness and skills work between drop-in sessions. Skills have, subjectively-viewed, increased enormously, and this is very largely due to Chris’s experience and talent, and his constantly changing and challenging training drills.

- Offer new opportunities for volunteering – individuals who work full time and are therefore unable to volunteer for drop-in sessions.

   Chris and Steve are both in this category. There has been the added bonus that Chris has also been cornered into using his daytime professional skills for the benefit of Doorway!

- Develop a new partnership with a local church and its members.

Done, and Ladyfield Evangelical Church has been kind enough to supply a minibus and driver for our trip to Oxford.

- Offer opportunities for developing relationships with other football projects eg WASP 

  Good relationships have been forged with WASP including taking part in their annual tournament and communication and sharing of planning regarding the OSIC tournament. We also had increased communication with the Amber Foundation via social media around and after the WASP tournament.

- Implement a permanent project with up to 10 guests attending, using sponsored kit etc obtained during pilot scheme 2009.

Done, and indeed our new pink kit (guests choice!) with    Doorway logo is now on order.

- Aim to initiate a local charity 5 a side football league.

 There is no move towards this yet.

- Generate publicity to tie in with the Homeless World Cup in September 2010 – and raise wider recognition locally of issues around homelessness.

The first was achieved. We hope that tournament involvement in particular will help with the second part.

- Work with the Community Football facilitator to offer access to further sporting opportunities for guests who wish to develop their skills further.

This has not yet been done, and the experience with the OSIC tournament has made it clear that FA involvement may well block the development of the project as a mixed gender one, so we must be cautious, as we have encouraged female involvement from the outset.

So, generally speaking, it’s been an excellent year. I’ll end with some comments:

From coach Chris:

“These sessions are a real pleasure. The enthusiasm and willingness to learn from the guests, support workers and volunteers has been refreshing.” 

From Douglas from the church:

“Everyone was smiling at the end of the session”

From some of the guests (we regularly obtain feedback from them, including the comments here and here)):

“We’re working more as a team…we are finding our own strengths and weaknesses on which we are working…every week we are getting better every time we turn up”

 “Things are improving every week”

“We were all working together really well as a team, as well as on our own”

“People are more aware of each other and their individual skills, so are helping improvements in each other. For some, they are becoming more extrovert. I think this is a good place for people to socialise and also to become fitter”

“Good fun, love the people!”

19th September 2011

I was discussing my latest bout of depression with two of the Doorway volunteers. They suggested I contact WASP, AA or Mind in order to be amongst those who would have empathy with the way I was feeling. Even though my bouts of depression were of short time spans, the volunteers stressed the importance of planning for the future should I be tempted to relapse – at the very least there would be someone on the end of a phone to talk to. I promised them that I would consider carefully their suggestion. I did. I rejected it. A good few months ago now I was in discussion with another Doorway volunteer who told me that she thought my thinking process was somewhat different. She went into great lengths about right/left-sided brain thinking and came to the conclusion that I was a smorgasbord of left side dominant with a fairly large slice of lateral and a bit of “Where the hell did you drag that from, but thinking about it, that makes sense,” type of thinking. Shortly after she de-camped to Australia with her family, one hopes for a better life rather than escaping idiosyncratic musings.

I was reminded of this conversation with her whilst considering the suggestions of the two Doorway volunteers reference WASP, AA and Mind. I came to the conclusion that I needed to get out more, I needed to widen my social circle. I had to do this in a way I found non-threatening. It would also need some structure, not be some free for all, and we all had to have something in common. The common denominators of WASP, AA and Mind are addiction and mental health. I want to get away from that, I do not want it in my face all the time. I will be aware of these issues forever, at this moment in time however, I do not want it staring back at me constantly. When I am down I re-read “The Voice Inside My Head”. Parts Two till Five in particular shake me out of my angsty doom-laden reverie. I never thought for one moment that when I started writing the blog it would become a useful tool for me to look back on, to refer to and keep me grounded. I read it now as a story of hope, an incredibly fascinating roller-coaster journey of my mental meltdown. I feel no shame when I re-read it, I find it unbelievably uplifting. At times it is very personal to me, I put a hell of a lot of emotion into it and I am glad I did, and yes, I am proud of it. Ego-trip finished – now back to the problem of getting out more.

Obviously a job would get me out more, that does not appear to be on the near horizon, so maybe voluntary work, although I am not sure in which field I would be useful or comfortable in. I settled for part-time education, my reasoning being that it would be structured, a non-threatening environment, and we would all have something in common – getting educated. I looked for a Latin course first of all, as I am interested in word structure, and most writers and journalists I admire have mentioned knowledge of Latin to be beneficial. Needless to say there was not a Latin course available locally, however there was a set of computer courses designed for beginners which took my eye. I can use a computer but I do not really know what I am doing. I want to use a computer with the same confidence I used to drive a car. I always felt in control whilst driving, or at least the illusion of being in control of this lethal metal missile careering around the country. One time this illusion was cruelly shattered as I rounded a corner on the A338 to find a car headed towards me in head-on collision mode. Everything happens fast when you have a crash yet looking back it is like a slow motion replay. You seem to have a million thoughts going through your head at the same time like, ” What the f*** is this clown playing at,” and “His car is bigger than mine, if we hit head on I am well f*****, I am toast,” I almost avoided him but we collided, not head on though, enough to write my car off two weeks after a £400 paint job and one hour after a full tank of fuel. The important thing was we both walked away without a scratch. He was a Belgique who had just pulled out of a lay-by after having a break, he thought he was back in Belgium hence the wrong side of the road. About two years later on the same stretch of road my replacement vehicle suffered major trauma when a deer committed suicide by running into the side of me while I was doing 60mph. Hopefully after I have completed the computer courses I will have some idea of how to deal with unexpected glitches.

There are three courses in all; part one “Getting Started”; part two “Keeping Going”; part three “Moving On”. The first course starts this week, the second in November, and the final one in January 2012. Two of the Doorway staff were telling me that they have done the courses and highly recommend them. At the end of them I should have good knowledge of Word and Spreadsheets. I am well excited about these courses- big time. At long last, slowly but surely, I am getting my backside in gear.

September 1st 2011….Man Interrupted…..

Two years ago today my extended drinking session was rudely interrupted by the men in suits regarding the trivialities of my house repossession. This was I suppose the inevitable conclusion to pressing the self-destruct button after I jacked my job in. Why did I stop work? I still don’t know. Maybe at some deep level it was an act of futile rebellion against working for a giant corporate machine lubricated by the bottom line. A giant machine smoothed by oils of varied viscosity encompassing KPIs, Profit Margin, Share Options, FTSE 100, and, lest we forget, bonuses. It is natural for someone like me to reflect on my life -  I did this a couple of weeks ago, it was not a pleasant experience. Being of a kindly nature I am going to share some of this unpleasantness.

August 20th 2011……. Then Disturbed

I am sitting in my flat thinking deeply about my past, probably too deeply. For me however, this is a necessity in coming to terms with my self, the living breathing being that is me. I certainly feel mentally able to do so. I have had one helluva life – I have travelled all over the world, first with the Army, then later as a civilian based in the Persian Gulf. I have had a lot of laughter and fun, fun, fun. At times partying like there was no tomorrow, which there wasn’t because we just carried on partying! Yet looking back the fun seems transient and false. The laughter echoing back hollow and mocking and boy, does it mock. The life I have led seems shallow, empty, no sense of committment, no deep meaningful romantic relationships – just affairs, not always of the heart. Affairs that I didn’t put the effort into because of immaturity or plain selfishness. Then I look back to that summer of 1978 when I met the woman of my dreams. The laughter and fun during that period was genuine and heartfelt, the only relationship I put my heart and soul into, 100% effort. When she ended it I bared my soul to her in an effort to keep it going. She was the one for me, I was not the one for her.  A.B., I wonder what you are doing now – I hope you are well and a damn sight happier than me. Maybe that is why subsequent relationships failed, because I have never felt that way since, maybe I didn’t want to, maybe I subconsciously held back out of fear of rejection.

Now I am thinking about nipping to the One-Stop to grab a couple of bottles of wine, the result of deep introspection. I don’t often think about getting wasted and when I do it isn’t for very long, for truth be told it isn’t difficult to resist, mainly out of fear. Fear, that great motivator of retreat or as I prefer to call it tactical withdrawal. A chance to regroup, rest, gather your thoughts. I do not want to go through non-medicated withdrawal again. From my point of view withdrawal with the aid of medicine is the easy way out, the coward’s option. I realise every single one of us is unique – do not expect objectivity from me, my experience is personal, it is mine and mine only. I needed to see out the nightmare I was in.  I felt the only way to do this, to wake up, was to go through the hell of cold turkey – up close and personal with no chemical weapons. My only ammunition would be determination and strength of character. Those two attributes had disappeared a long time ago – it was my time to prove something to myself on my own, to see if those attributes had disappeared completely or embers were flickering within. If the embers had gone cold and I failed, then I would die sooner rather than later. Simple as that.

I remembered waking up and sobbing because I was still alive, the awful leg and stomach cramps. I remembered if I turned my head quickly my brain felt as if it was banging side to side against the inside of my skull like a pinball and it F****** HURT!! I remembered not being able to walk without holding on for dear life onto the walls. I remembered not being able to walk at all and crawling along the floor gratefully grabbing the toilet and vomiting the contents of my stomach or dry retching bile into the void below. I remembered not being able to take a piss standing up, having to sit down and hold onto the sink just ahead and to the left of me, grabbing it like a lifebelt as massive tremors coursed through my body like electric shocks . Fear, I repeat, fear, that great motivator. This is what stops me going on a bender, I had faced the monster I had created for myself and held it at bay.

September 1st 2011

In four days time it will be the two-year anniversary of the facing of the monster. The monster still has me in its sights but one day at a time it is receding further into the distance. I have a healthy respect for its capacity to create mayhem and misery – do not take your enemy for granted, do not treat it with contempt. Sometimes I think that the only things preventing me degenerating are fear, and the focusing on other people’s misery. For it is ever the truth there are always some people worse off than you. Pretty negative, huh? There has to be more substance to my life than this – I know there is, and am determined to find it.

If you can keep your head when all about you                                                                                   Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
nnnnnnnnIf you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,                                                                             nnBut make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,                                                                                        Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,                                                                                                      nnOr being hated, don’t give way to hating,                                                                                                And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master,
nnnnIf you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
nnnnnnnnIf you can meet with Triumph and Disaster                                                                                          And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken                                                                                Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,                                                                                           nOr watch the things you gave your life to, broken,                                                                                 nAnd stoop and build em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings                                                                                  And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,                                                                                           nAnd lose and start again at your beginnings                                                                                            nAnd never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew                                                                                To serve your turn long after they are gone,                                                                                         nAnd so hold on when there is nothing in you                                                                                          nExcept the Will which says to them : ” Hold on ! “

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,                                                                              Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,                                                                                    If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,                                                                                        nIf all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute                                                                                                   nWith sixty seconds worth of distance run,                                                                                               nYours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,                                                                                         nAnd – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son!

‘If’ – by Rudyard Kipling ( 1865 – 1936 )                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     The journey continues.

(Editor’s note: samsa made a brave and personal decision when he came off alcohol to do so without prescribed medication. He himself acknowledges: ‘Do not expect objectivity from me, my experience is personal, it is mine and mine only’. There are dangers in coming off alcohol in this way if one’s daily use is more than 15 units, and it would be Doorway’s recommendation that withdrawal should be preceded by discussion with one’s GP, Practice Nurse, another suitably qualified health care professional, or agencies such as, in Wiltshire, New Highway, SWADS and WASP.

Current NICE (National Institute for Clinical Excellence) guidelines can be found here, and, in a simplified version, here)

Kafka cartoon taken from ‘daftblogger’

August 2010

Twenty days to go, then I would leave the hostel, my home for the last year. It had been a strange, eventful year. I had gone from sneaking into a garage at nightfall in order to bed down on the back seat of a car to this – a housing association flat. I had mixed with people who I never dreamed I would mix with and accessed services that I never thought I would need. I had come to terms with the repossession of my house, my horrendous debts, my breakdown, my depression and the inadvisability of downing a bottle of vodka a day. There was no way back – what’s done is done. There was only the future to look forward to/deal with /confront. The flat I was moving to was very small. This didn’t bother me as in theory it would be easier to keep clean and minimalist decor is meant to be the rage these days.

The flat had no furniture in it however the carpet, paintwork and fittings were in good repair. Before I moved in, I would need to shop for basic items including an air bed, sleeping bag, chair, kettle and toaster. I was already in possession of a microwave, a small amount of cutlery and plates. My cousin was giving me curtains which would suffice until I got fitted blinds. I also needed a pillow and a couple of cushions – the rest could wait until after I had moved in. I bought my chair from Robert Dyas, a garden chair, folding and light – practical, not stylish, was the order of the day. The plan was for my cousin to move me in his van -  family bereavement meant that this would not be possible, so a keyworker volunteered to move me in his car. I took over the tenancy of my flat on the 16th August, I would not be leaving the hostel until the 20th, this would give me time to clean both flats and move stuff into my new home which was about twenty minutes walk from the hostel. I wore a fair bit of shoe leather out during those four days.

20th August, my last day in the hostel, a strange day.  On the one hand I was glad to be leaving, on the other hand apprehensive about my future. I had already met some of my neighbours and felt sure I would fit in. I had walked around the housing scheme – the area was clean, tidy and the communal gardens were well-kept. There were no discarded needles or empty cans of Stella lying around, no rap or hip-hop blaring through open windows – always a good sign. So why the apprehension? I suppose although never comfortable in the hostel environment, probably due to my great age in comparison to the other residents, I had become used to it, become used to the anger of residents when things were not going their way, used to the frustrations created by a system that Kafka wrote about all those years ago (he died in 1924). Think of the things that science has achieved since then, moon landings, internet, Starbucks yet all minds great or small are transformed into confetti by the bureaucrat.

My lift arrived and we loaded my kit into his estate car. I had already said my farewells and left the staff chocolate, cake and ice-cream as a thank you. One final look around the flat then I was off on the next leg of my journey to Lord knows where. A low-key end to eleven months of a roller coaster of emotional upheaval, guilt, shame, remorse, to name but three. Would it now continue or would I find peace of mind?

I’m very fortunate to have a garden to sit out in. It is full of trees and birds and other wildlife (inc. the neighbour’s cats). But in the twenty four years we’ve lived here we have noticed a decline in the number of birds and animals that visit. Much of this is due to all the building that has gone on around us so that natural habitats have become scarcer. We still have squirrels, pesky and charming by turns, and a family of crows, who nest at the bottom of the garden every year, but not so many bats and hardly any hedgehogs now. We certainly have more pigeons than we used to, who leave their copious guano over the garden furniture (I think they use it for target practise) and I’m pleased to say woodpeckers still come but they’re early morning visitors and I only see them if I can’t sleep (and presently I’m sleeping very well, hurrah).

It is that time of year and I’ve a dead-line to meet. The Mslexia poetry competition looms and I’ve left it as late as I can before the final submission date (18^th July). Mslexia, by the way, is a quarterly magazine for women who write and it really is a fount of knowledge and experience (www.mslexia.co.uk). I think most women writers would give body parts to appear in its hallowed pages or win one of its competitions. I don’t have to enter but I always feel compelled to do so. The first year I thought I would win (this was during a delusional phase) but have slowly realised that winning is as likely as finding intelligent life on Mars (or in the government). Of course competition is stiff and is judged by an experienced writer, who will have her own likes and dislikes, so winning will always be a bit of a long shot.  In a way I wish I still had that ‘I might win’ mindset but I don’t. What preparing for the competition gives me is the permission to work on a poem or two without feeling guilty about it. It’s also a chance to re-visit work that has become stuck, which happens all too frequently.

What I would be doing if I wasn’t doing this is working on a stuck poem. I started it awhile ago and it progressed quite well and then dried up. I couldn’t physically or mentally move it on. The best thing I find if this happens is to put it away and forget about it, pretty sure a time will come when it can be approached and re-engaged with. Relationships with poems are very often like relationships we have in life. They can be awkward and uncomfortable; sometimes raw and uncompromising or (not often) accommodating, friendly, even. This particular poem intrigued me because although it is a narrative its motivation wasn’t clear to me. This, I feel, is where the putting it away does its magic. I’m sure that subconsciously the poem is still alive and being worked out, so that when it returns to the conscious mind it can move on. A sort of alchemy (I’d hesitate to call any of my work gold, but a lot of starts out as dross).

The origin of the poem is a dream I had last year. In it I appear to be a teacher leaving a school and the headteacher tells me to ‘take the boy with you when you go’. So the poem is about taking the boy with me. At the start the boy is unwanted and there is a sense of him being foisted on the leaver, whose leaving is urgent. The boy is a burden but becomes a blessing. I think this can have a number of interpretations that I hope are triggered by the poem. It could be a significant female/male relationship restored or re-balanced, or the marriage of the inner female and male parts of the psyche that work best in harmony. It could be a Christian allegory or even related to the work we do at Doorway—working with people who are overlooked or perceived as burdens by many people.

I’ve not finished the poem yet and, at this rate may not in time for the deadline, but I would like to share it with you at sometime. If I do submit it for the competition then I can’t put it on the blog until after the judging as all poems have to be unpublished (and this includes the web). So, one for the future, perhaps.

This is a pity because I have no new creative writing group writing to post. I’ve been on holiday and stuff so we haven’t had a session for awhile and last Thursday’s was spent talking. This happens often, and I’m sure is part of the process. A lot of the talk was about strange experiences, especially those that happen after the death of a relative or close friend. Several of us had had this occur—either a feeling that the person was still close or things happening that might appear random but when seen in conjunction with a bereavement might be thought of as a sign or significant. I am open-minded. I’ve had my fair share of unexplained phenomena. I suppose we were wondering if being close to a death made us more perceptive or just more open to suggestion. I think it’s the latter but would like to believe it is the former.

On a slightly different matter there has been talk of a Doorway panto (oh no there hasn’t), but it’s all rather nebulous, presently. I love panto and would like to a) help with the writing and b) know if anyone else is interested or has put on pantos who could advise, guide and generally support. Don’t all answer at once.

Post script:

Remembering my recent holiday, this is how I summed it up in my note book.

1^st week

sunny, cloudy, breezy, windy

very windy (bracing)

cooler, colder, GALES

rain, rain, rain.

2^nd week

cloudy, sunny, warmish, damp

very showery (squally)

sticky, muggy, GALES

rain, rain, rain.

Henry on his hols

The survey gave us broad information on issues faced by our guests, for example, 50% have been to prison, 63% suffer from mental health problems and there is a high level of substance misuse. More pertinent however are the results about specific problems and the connections between many of these issues. I have written a  report on the findings of the survey called The Face of Homelessness which suggests that the state and society are failing to deal with the interconnected issues faced by the ‘homeless’. The report focuses in detail on substance misuse, mental health, prison time, employment, and education and tries to show that ‘homelessness’ is very often used as a broad term to describe housing status, but in reality describes the chaotic lifestyle that is a sum of many inextricably linked issues.

Although the survey was a simple piece of research from a specific sample of people it provides us with an insight into the issues dealt with by our guests, and how very often their complex needs are not met. This first piece of research by Doorway provides a broad view of the interconnected issues faced by our guests, and will hopefully in time be followed up by some more detailed research into specific problems. The conclusion of the report suggests that currently our guests experience multi-deprivation and that their needs are not met in society. Furthermore, it states that with our current government and the introduction of spending cuts it is highly unlikely that their needs will be met in the near future.

Report by Helen Taylor, Assistant Support Worker, Doorway

 ‘The Face of Homelessness’ Report on findings from the guest survey completed in December 2010 is available separately here