Doorway Writing Group May 2017

Doorway Writing Group May 2017

The writing group crossword generated a lot of interest again this month, resulting in a total of seven guests beavering away – in groups on three separate tables – to complete it.

At the writing table, we talked about when and how we write things. We discussed how to cope with inspiration when it ‘attacks’ – often at the worst possible moments e.g. in the middle of the night, or when you’re on a bike, running, in the shower etc. We mentioned a few famous songs composed in the middle of the night by people still half asleep; Paul McCartney allegedly wrote the melody to Yesterday pretty much in his sleep – maybe that’s the best way to write things then!

Here is J’s latest offering – not written in his sleep, but certainly a short story you can savour and maybe dream about….

Earshot – a short story by J

Freddie laughed nervously, nervous scratch, nervous laugh, he was a bundle of nerves this morning, sitting in the job centre like a dog in a pound pondering life’s uncertainties. His own life of elaborate detours, loose ends and letdowns.

What had prompted his reflective mood, maybe the memory of one shiftless night long ago 20 years or more; climbing the stairs of the multi—story car park, like a moth under the austere strip lights. He opened the side door: Level 13, an acre of deserted concrete, the acrid fumes of departed vehicles hung in the air. He noticed a shape, a bundle of clothes? No: a figure; a boy hunched over the parapet only just taller than the wall itself. Freddie cleared his throat apprehensively and leant with his back against a pillar transfixed by an emotion comprising guilt, fear and helplessness.

Nigel, a 14-year-old teenager heard the sound snapping his train of thought like a dry twig, switching the synapses from fear to flight, he bounded towards the exit door and fled down the stairs. In the same split second Freddie turned and saw the figure vanished! He raced to the spot and peered over the edge, the morning still too dark to see any sign of a body on the pavement below. His hurried footsteps echoed in the stairwell and relief surged through his trembling frame while he paced the empty pavement back and forth for nearly an hour.

In the hour of the first birdsong, the grey light of morning creeping across the sky, a thoughtful teenager trampled the gravel drive to the home where his family lay sleeping; quietly opening the kitchen door, he crept back up the stairs.

That was the story of ‘Freddie’s Phantom Adoption’, unnoticed even to themselves, two strangers giving life to each other in the barren spaces of a slumbering town.

Time moves on another 20 years. Nigel checked the time for his next appointment and took a few brisk steps towards the waiting areas. He beckoned, “Ah Mr Norton, please step over. Take a seat. Now, what have we been up to?” His finger hovered over the ‘enter’ button of his keyboard. Freddie had a nervous cough….

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Doorway Writing Group April 2017

Writing group April 2017

Our April session had a nice little spring in its step.

The writing group crossword continues to be a popular feature: a number of people had been asking about it last week and a total of five guests (K, N, J, L and R) took it away to work on it.

At the writing table itself, we had our usual fun discussions on random topics including various thought-provoking questions:

Can we, we wondered, reclaim the spontaneous creativity that we often have as children, even when it sometimes feels as if the education system – and life itself – does its best to squeeze it out of us? Yes, we decided – we definitely can. Just pick up a pen or pencil or felt tip or paintbrush….

Is it okay for writers to recycle their material in the way that musicians do? We decided it was pretty inevitable for writers to revisit similar ideas, though usually worded differently each time.

How much time do we have – or do we make – for reading? Well, K has been inspired after his recent Dickens achievement and is now tackling Ulysses by James Joyce. Impressive! He’s promised us a summary, of sorts, when he finishes it.

And as for writing itself, two of our wonderful guests wrote contributions for the blog. Read on for some reflections by H and two poems by J. We hope you enjoy them!


Home Time – a poem by J

The rattle and squeal

As chairs are piled on desks

Home-time prayers are murmured

Like the swishing of trees

In a summer breeze

At school.

Frank and intimate messages exchanged in the cloakroom

Bags gathered like sheep

And the marching tide of schoolchildren appear

In the street.

Listening to music in each other’s houses

Hanging around the public places

But home is where the hub of the heart is

Where dreams are rediscovered

And life emerges

In the simplicity of a moment

A key turns or a window opens

At home time


Questions on Existence – reflections by H

Who knows what and who exists? Philosophers, religions, children, scientists, practical people all argue. What exists if we do not think about it at all?

God always exists and knows what exists, but we don’t know what to make of that. Only God exists whether we believe in Him or not. We can’t change his qualities. People exist and God sees them through rose-tinted glasses, therefore we can’t even see people the way they exist in reality.

Children invent what exists for them in a playful way and in fantasy. Also what exists for them is not what parents know but parents want to force them to change their ideas about what should exist.

Scientists make theories about what exists and why, that other people either admire, totally disagree with, or think it’s manipulative or even demonic.

Satan knows what exists but only from his limited viewpoint as He wants to believe his plans are able to ruin us and win over God’s plans.

Philosophers have theories about what exists that nobody can prove or disprove. Some people choose to believe one or the other, whichever they prefer.

Religions have followers that believe what they are told and see signs that confirm it because of their chosen interpretations.

I wish I knew what exists from God’s perspective. It would stop me from wasting my life and not understanding what matters in life and what to live for. I would be much freer from emotional problems and the utter inability to make decisions. I would know what to help other people achieve and how they could improve. I would stop worrying and keep rejoicing forever. But who can cope with the amount of knowledge and wisdom God has? If God gave us his insights and decisions we would burn up or choose to kill ourselves as we have no strength and goodness for the responsibility or mental capacity for it all.

How marvellous it is that in heaven we will forever be rejoicing about finding out more and more about the qualities of God and nothing else will matter any more and we won’t have to wonder what exists as God will show us all we need. All that exists in this life will end and has no significance, so nothing actually needs to exist now, only myself and God will matter forever.


Fly Tipping – a poem by J

Flies dangling their legs in our soup

Will be promptly ejected

On the front of a rolled up newspaper

Courtesy of the waiter

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Volunteer Profile – Mark

After working my way up the career ladder I was extremely fortunate in 2014 to be able to stop working and embark upon the next stage in my life. After training for and finishing a Lands End to John O’ Groats cycle challenge to mark my 50th Birthday, I found I missed the working environment more than I expected to!  It was apparent that I had to find something to keep my mind busy, and to feel that I was using some of my accumulated knowledge and experience.

I had always felt that, as my elder sons went through their latter teenage years, if we hadn’t been there to manage their emotional rollercoaster rides and give them a safe place, they were only a small step away from the challenge of homelessness. Whilst at work my company had supported a number of local charities, I was vaguely aware of Doorway and followed Lisa on Twitter.  I felt that the time was right to offer my support to Doorway in whatever way they saw fit.

I met with Lisa and started attending the volunteer sessions. Monday worked for me and I turned up ready to go. I expected to find a ‘soup kitchen’ type of world with homeless people queuing up outside waiting for a plate of baked beans and egg. Of course it was nothing like that at all. I also thought I’d left the world of ISO9001:2000 far behind – but I was immediately handed a comprehensive pack of policies and procedures and asked to sign in and lock my coat away.‘

Over the top’ I thought, but of course I was wrong there as well!

Lisa has an innate ability to work out where you feel at home and where you can be most useful in the operation. I have ended up being a mainstay on the door. A process that involves welcoming guests, writing things down, and in general smiling a lot and keeping everybody happy. Within seconds of a guest arriving your heart can jump as you see the progress they are making or can sink as you realise that they’ve taken two steps back again. We are there to immediately make them feel at ease and welcome. Once in the safe environment of the session there are other volunteers and staff far more capable than me who carry on the good work of making guests feel at ease and helping them out in whatever way we can.

So what have I learned? We provide a really safe environment for our guests to get basic support – food, clothes, shower, advice and a friendly social atmosphere. The control and procedures are all part of providing confidence for the guests in the environment. They also provide some structure and clear responsibilities for staff and volunteers alike.  If they need help we help – either directly or by pointing them in the right direction.

As volunteers our main role is to maintain that safe, friendly environment. The Doorway staff are the experts, working more directly with the guests both in the sessions and during the week when the volunteers are not there. It’s a great organization and really makes a difference to peoples’ lives. I feel I am a valued part of the jigsaw puzzle within a friendly team of volunteers – and I love it


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Volunteer Profile – Scott

Can too many cooks spoil the broth? And why jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, really can be good for you!

Can there ever be too many cooks? I don’t think so and it’s not an industry at present which is currently overloaded with people picking up knives and queuing to learn how to cook and making it their career choice either, as we are seeing less and less school leavers taking this up as a profession each year because it is a tough, demanding and often stressful environment.

I have seen many good chefs loose themselves in drink & drugs over my 28 years in the industry and they have ended up with nothing but it has its fair share of success stories too and I have had the pleasure of nurturing and training some young chefs who I thought would never stick at it but are now working in some successful kitchens.

Please keep what I am about to say between us and don’t tell the other cooks but the Doorway kitchen is definitely one of my favourite kitchens to work in, if you can call it work as it’s always good fun and no session is ever the same and we definitely do not spoil the broth! Well how could we with the wealth of cooking experience we have within the Doorway kitchen and even if something did not go quite to plan, they would always have a trick in their apron to rescue the situation. Not that this has ever happened of course it is purely a hypothetical situation I am trying  to explain as we are dealing with some highly skilled personalities here, who would never dream of just making something up on a whim and just padge it in and hoped for the best. So a special thank you to all of the Doorway cooks for welcoming me into the kitchen and putting up with me! 

So why Doorway? A couple of years ago, believe it or not, I turned 40 and felt something was missing and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was, I had everything I could ask for and was in a very lucky position. I had my wonderful wife Rachel, three sons growing up far too fast and about to  leave home and off to experience their own adventures, a great social life in Wiltshire, nice holidays and a job I enjoyed getting up for most days and my health was pretty good too.

So after a little consideration I came to the conclusion that one thing I hadn’t done too much of throughout my life and career was to use my experience and skills to help others and support a local organisation to help people who are less fortunate than myself. I had always been driven by my career and to make sure I provided the best for my family, but I think everyone has the right to sit round a table and enjoy a comforting hot meal or two, so you can either enjoy other people’s company and conversations or maybe it evokes food memories from your childhood or special occasions over the years. Food has the power to bring lifelong memories back to everyone through different smells, flavours & taste experiences.  

So this got me thinking and I could remember as far back as to when I was around 8 years old and right up until my late twenties that every time I was either working or visiting in London I had the same thought which would return to me time after time. This was that no matter how quick the pace of London would change to keep up with the trends of the world around us, one thing never seemed to change and that was the number of different faces I would still see each day on the streets who did not have the day to day basics we all take for granted. They would all be sitting or sleeping under cardboard shelters, doorways, park benches or tube stations asking for a little help or a few minutes of your time to pass away their day with a simple conversation. This is everything I have always taken for granted; the simple stuff like dry & clean clothes, a hot meal, a cup of tea or even a bed for the night all of  which evoked some of my own memories. These basics eluded these individuals for whatever reason it was not for me to judge, so I knew this was the only area I wanted to be able to offer some support and give a little of my time and experience to now that I was in a position to do so with my family growing up.

So I decided to jump out of my working frying pan into an unknown fire of volunteering by being able to offer a little of my time doing the only thing I know best and cook a few meals, but where would I go as there were so many good causes across Wiltshire. Then I stumbled across an article in the local Gazette. The article was giving the local services a right roasting on the lack of support and understanding for people who were either homeless or sofa surfing. I must admit it was the first time I had heard of the term sofa surfing and it sounded much more fun than I now know it actually is. As I carried on reading this article it made me realise that after moving to the area over eight years ago I hadn’t realised how serious this issue actually was and it had been on my doorstep for all this time.

So this prompted and inspired me to contact Lisa at Doorway the next day to see if I could help in anyway, within a couple of weeks I had an interview in the tiny old office which took me twenty minutes to park and a further ten minutes to find the front door. After an encouraging interview the next stage was to complete all of the paperwork and then to find someone to give me a character reference without laughing out loud was the biggest challenge!

It all moved along very quickly and once all the paperwork was done and dusted Lisa offered me the opportunity to join the Doorway kitchen. I was extremely excited about the opportunity and a little apprehensive as well as it’s very rare you work in an all-female kitchen but as soon as they knew I could peel a few dirty spuds and roll out some pastry I think I settled in and was made to feel very welcome. Even I felt a little daunted with the talk soon after joining that everyone takes turns in being the lead cook! Responsibility, keys, and alarms, surely I am not grown up enough for this yet I was thinking to myself, but I do love planning the menus now when you are lead cook and I also like to throw in a few surprises but I am nowhere near experienced enough yet to be able to take on a ‘use up’ week. I even find myself occasionally replying to the “Good morning ladies” from Mike with no hesitation which is a bit worrying!      

It’s not until now nearly two years on from my first session that I realise the benefits of my own personal development, it has definitely made me a better person and given me a different approach to situations as it is a very calming environment at Doorway and I have definitely learnt to accept people for who they are and not to judge people too quickly. Just by working in a different environment a few times a month really does have a positive effect on your own life and it’s been like starting a new career all over again and just getting back to the basics. It’s made me realise how much I love cooking for our guests because you know how much it is appreciated and that makes it all worthwhile.

One final point to anyone considering getting involved, please do so it will be an eye opener and appreciated by others but more importantly it will change your outlook and make you a better person. For instance just before Christmas last year a school friend of one of our sons turned up on our doorstep without anywhere to sleep as he had been kicked out by his step dad. Now he was 18 and got into a bit of bother with the police and before Doorway I may not have been so welcoming. But it was only for a few nights we thought so we said he could stay for a few days until he got himself sorted and after listening to some of the Doorway guest reports, incidents and stories during the Thursday pre session meetings I feel if we had not have helped him I am sure I would have just been adding another sofa surfer to the list.

Doorway gave me the confidence in a way to understand this and he is still with us today and is going back to college and hopefully on the right road to sorting his life out and all it took was a little compassion, listening and the security of a bed to call his own with the odd hot meal. We are lucky enough to be in the position to do this and my time at Doorway has definitely been an interesting journey and always keeps me on my toes.

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Volunteer Profile – Martin

It was nearly 6 years ago that I began my involvement with Doorway. I was slowly recovering from having been extremely ill, my hospital visits had reduced to monthly, and I had just got to the point where I was well enough to find boredom outweighing relief at survival and residual grottiness. More to the point, I had begun to consider that I might someday consider being able to work again, and even more pertinently, had realised that if I watched many more episodes of the Jeremy Kyle Show, my brain might fall out permanently.

So what to do? Voluntary work seemed to be a possible starting point on the long road back to my old day job of being a GP.  I mentioned this when talking with friends. One of them (sadly no longer with us) mentioned that he had for a while worked at Doorway, and though he had had to stop for personal reasons, he could very much recommend it as rewarding work, helping with providing meals, and talking with the homeless of Chippenham  and North Wiltshire. Not that I was aware there WERE homeless people in North Wiltshire……

It was more difficult to track down Doorway than I had expected. I knew the sessions took place in the Salvation Army building in Chippenham, but Doorway did not have then the internet presence it has now. However, I finally found a number which I hoped was the right one, and left a message. This was returned, and an interview was set up with Lisa and Karen. And then an embarrassing thing happened – the ‘mind fog’ to which I was still prone because of my illness descended, and I completely forgot to turn up.  When the ghastly truth sunk in with Lisa leaving a message on my phone, I thought this would be interpreted as a terminal lack of commitment, but I’m so pleased she gave me another chance. I can’t remember too much about the first sessions, apart from being a bit surprised and embarrassed to find one of my old patients, whom I knew very well, was there as a regular guest. From the very start then, my past could not be forgotten or fully ignored… I was struck by the friendly atmosphere, how the guests, volunteers and staff mixed so well, but also how there was definite authority when needed, and superb organisation. While many things at Doorway have changed in my time there, those factors have not.

Initially I came only on Thursdays, as I had a commitment elsewhere on Monday mornings, but it was soon an appropriate time to finish with that, and so I started coming to Doorway for both sessions. In discussions with Lisa, we had agreed that my role would be likely to be usually that of a ‘befriender’ in the Hall, rather than in the kitchen. It was of course accepted that if extra hands were needed in the kitchen, I would muck in there. However, on the first occasion this happened, I managed a spectacular piece of breakage, and haven’t been invited back in there since! Honest, it wasn’t deliberate.

I really can’t remember when I started working on occasions on the front desk, rather than on the tea and coffee table. I soon discovered that there is much more to this than merely recording the “Where did you sleep last night?” and asking if people have drinks on them. Sometimes the first impression of a guest’s mood is different from the mask they put on to go into the Hall. At the other end of the visit, we get the throwaway but deeply significant remarks made at the very point of leaving when it feels more ‘psychologically safe’ for people.  In between, we hear snatches of the phone calls, we see interactions outside amongst the smokers, we spot who is hovering around on the pavement outside weighing up whether to come in, or waiting for somebody inside. Nowadays, I am one of the team on the front desk most sessions that I’m there, more often than not, alongside the wonderful ‘Auntie Sue’. These are people I even trust with my black ink Pentel! If my mood is fairly stable…..

Earlyish in my time with Doorway, Helen was running the first pilot of a football drop-in for the guests. I remember thinking how nice it would be to take part, but I could not begin to conceive of being able to run, or even to get to Stanley Park, But when the concept was revived (the first, outdoor project had stopped once cold dark nights set in), I was fit enough, and definitely keen enough to work with Kev in getting it off the ground. I visited the ‘Streets Revolution’ set-up in Oxford, run by Jon Regler. I had got to know Jon through Twitter, and visiting his football session proved to be a real inspiration. We were really fortunate to be offered use of the superb indoor facility at Ladyfield Church, and though our numbers were small to start with, we kept plugging away every Monday evening. I was given extra belief by the knowledge that the thriving Streets Revolution project had started with similarly low numbers. Here we are today, with good numbers, having played in tournaments in our (ahem) distinctive pink kit, and with a team photo from a couple of years back which seems destined to haunt me for the rest of my days, given that it has become one of the ‘Gazette and Herald’s stock Doorway photos. Sadly, it portrays me at probably my fattest in adult life, and tight fitting pink synthetics don’t help the look.  We have younger players on average than we had when we started – and I’m getting on for five years older… I pray that Steve will keep on playing with us so I don’t become the oldest.  Although I’m already the least fit.

The other ‘outside of session’ activity I have been involved with was helping with the launching and editing of the Doorway blog site. For me to be involved with this was a fairly natural progression from my heavy involvement in Twitter (much less nowadays because of time constraints). Through Twitter, I had come into contact with all manner of people involved with homelessness issues, from the CEO of Thames Link to people living on the streets and in hostels, activists both UK-based, like Jon R, and international, like Mark Horvath, and bloggers like Homeless Girl and Aibaihe. The blog seemed a natural cousin of that, though I was hugely honoured to be asked by Lisa.

The initial hope was that the blogsite would principally be for the guests to have a forum to express themselves  –  there has been less of these contributions than I hoped, but judging by quality rather than quantity, particularly the series of pieces by guest ‘samsa.k’, ‘The Voice Inside My Head’, it’s been a resounding success. All I had to do with these searingly honest accounts of one man’s descent into alcoholism and homelessness, and his difficult steps on the comeback trail, was find web links and relevant title pictures, but it was a total honour to be associated at all with them, and to see the subsequent radio and Kindle exposure.  Most important of all, to hear that they had provided inspiration to some people in their battles against their own demons.

Once I was advancing along my own personal comeback trail, there is no question that my involvement at Doorway helped to prove to the relevant professional people that I was fit and capable enough to fulfil a regular commitment, and with a decent enough problem-solving brain to cope (I realise there are those who may disagree with the last bit). However, once I was back in the world of paid work, time issues emerged – usually struggling to finish a Thursday morning work session in time to join the Doorway afternoon drop-in, and always feeling guilty that I had missed the Doorway ‘rush hour’.  By now I was pretty much only doing the Thursday sessions, but trying to do all of them. However, about a year ago, I was asked if I could do a surgery at work starting at 7, and (notionally) finishing at 11:30. Perfect. For the moment, until the next work reshuffle……

I have already mentioned that my cover was blown from day 1, with my old patient being there as a guest.  And word started to spread, but those guests who knew seemed to accept that I ‘used to be a doctor’ and that I had been ill, without asking any questions beyond that, and certainly without asking for medical advice. But as I moved back into the world of professional work more locally, there have been more incidents of people I’ve known with both hats on, past and present, and I have inevitably been involved in giving advice on medical issues of guests both to themselves and to staff. But I am always clear that I cannot prescribe, and I will not criticise treatment by others. Although I might sometimes suggest gently that they seek reassessment…… With one guest I saw him a few times at the drop-in, as it was easier for him to get there than to my surgery. And in one case I have recommended Doorway to a patient for specialist advice. So, the boundaries are a bit blurred nowadays.

What is undoubtedly true is that, not only did Doorway help me back to work, but it has also improved my practice. I am so much more clued-up now in helping patients with their struggles with housing and benefits, I have so much better a picture of the allied organisations out there –particularly as over the nearly 6 years I have been at Doorway, it has changed enormously, with a number of agencies sending workers in on Thursdays, with more assertive signposting to guests, with more time spent on helping guests more deeply and expertly with what seem like ever more complex issues. And I’m not afraid to tweak a few noses in the housing department, either, if it needs doing. No idea where I learned that from…..

And of course, I said earlier that I hadn’t been aware there WERE homeless people in North Wiltshire.  I learned how many homeless, under threat of homelessness, precariously housed, marginalised people there are around here, hidden. Earlyish in my time at Doorway, I was walking down to town with my younger daughter, on my way to town, and she asked who were all these people who needed Doorway. And I was able to tell her that we’d passed 6 guests in the previous 5 minutes…..

As I said I joined Doorway mainly to start the process of getting back to work, do something useful with my time, and to avoid Jeremy Kyle.  I achieved the first two, and then some; I have made great friends (Lisa even gave a reading at my wedding to Jen) and been privileged to share some inspiring moments; I have enjoyed sharing in triumphs and have wept with some losses (there have been rather too many deaths of various causes, for a start); but as for Jezza Kyle –

I’ve heard tales at Doorway that would be considered far too weird for his show, so he’s redundant in my life anyway!

All the time Doorway is around, and I’m still around, I intend for it to continue to be a major part of my life. I think we have a true symbiosis. May Doorway continue to thrive, but may we never take its existence for granted.


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Richard’s Story

You often hear of people falling from great heights; having everything and losing it all. But you really don’t think it will ever happen to you. It sounds like a cliché, but there you go!

My fall from grace started back in 2012. Like I said, I had everything I wanted, fantastic house, beautiful wife, a job I was truly proud of and a great social life. Everything was peachy. I even had a little holiday retreat in Bulgaria- what more could I ask for?

How little did I know that over the course of a few years, I would lose everything. I would be left feeling alone, isolated, depressed and ultimately attempting to take my own life – several times.

If it were not for the kindness of others and the support from the wonderful team at Doorway, I truly do not think I would be here to take you on my journey.

My marriage started to fall apart. I guess we were just not as compatible as we both thought.  We tried many times to work through the bad times, but in the end we separated.

And with divorce came the inevitability of losing the house I loved and had worked so hard to achieve.

I was just about able to afford a small bungalow, but at a cost! The mortgage payments were crippling and I just couldn’t cope with it. I had no money to socialise and very quickly I became secluded and insular. Depression was knocking on my door. All the good friends I thought I had

fell away too! Apparently they were more my wife’s friends than mine. The phone stopped ringing; the social scene almost vanished overnight.

But I still had my job to keep me motivated of course! Something I was very proud of! Although I was not particularly academic, I worked my way into a position of some importance in the science world! My job involved DNA sequencing, testing for extremely infectious diseases in animals. I worked in very strict and controlled laboratory environments and like I said, something I was extremely proud of. 20 years of hard graft in the Civil Service had finally paid off!

Then the cuts began. People left and were not replaced. My unit was badly affected by flood damage and a decision was made high up to relocate and merge with another site. My job disappeared and I was allocated a menial role– effectively a teaboy with less money and no future.

For me, the final kick in the teeth and the cracks started to deepen. My self-esteem took a nosedive. The social scene at work stopped. Linked in with the fact I had already lost all my other friends, the sense of loneliness became overbearing. I started to notice things that I just didn’t understand and couldn’t comprehend. Small tasks became monumental problems. Basic household chores became impossible. Something as simple as cooking a microwave meal suddenly became a challenge for me.

I would stare at the television, but not actually watch it. I would count the corners over and over again. What was happening to me? My only comfort left was my dog Russell.  However, even he was not enough!

My first suicide attempt shortly followed. The depression hit me hard and I just couldn’t manage. Suffice to say it was an attempt and I lived to see another day. However the consequences were far reaching.  My mental state left it impossible for me to continue working in what was left of the Labs.  Apart from anything else, I was wracked with guilt and embarrassment. I couldn’t face the questions from colleagues and the sideward glances.  I needed a total change and that is what I decided to do.

I sold up and brought a small flat in Chippenham. I had just enough money to be mortgage free.  My master plan was to rent out the flat and go live in my holiday apartment in Bulgaria. What could go wrong? An ideal solution – or so it seemed at the time.

It didn’t work out well for sure! In hindsight it was a rash decision, but when you are in the depths of despair, your judgement and decision making are flawed. I became even more secluded. The language barrier was a massive problem for me, and one I would never overcome. There was a small ex-pat community there, but a general lack of funds meant once again I could not socialise.

All I now had to keep me sane was Russell. My best mate and constant companion. But even there I ran into difficulties. The winters can be harsh, especially in the mountains where I was holed up. It just didn’t occur to me that he needed better protection from the snow and ice on the ground. Frostbite in the feet was inevitable! I had even managed to hurt the dearest thing to me!

I stuck it out for 4 months. 4 months of almost total isolation apart from an occasional phone call back to my brother in the UK. This just wasn’t working out!

So I upped sticks and drove back to the UK and back to Chippenham. After a couple of weeks I brought myself a small caravan and found a field to pitch it in. I thought I could start to build my life again. The rental from the flat gave me just enough to live on, although I had no access to electricity or running water.  It kept me dry, but certainly not warm or clean!

I thought I was on the mend! I even got a call from an old work colleague with a possible lead back into Laboratory work. I followed it up and after a herculean effort to find the confidence to attend interviews, I was offered the job; my experience surely playing to my benefit.

But all was not well. I was just blocking out my true condition. The drive to work had me shaking in fear and being physically sick. I was not well, I just didn’t realise how ill I was. Being able to accept and acknowledge that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Unfortunately I was nowhere near this yet and totally out of my depth still.

The job didn’t last! I could not perform the tasks or concentrate. After 2 weeks of struggling every day, I had to admit defeat. And it hit me hard. Another failure, just when I thought I could turn things around. I had to get some help and I knew this now.

I made the difficult decision to speak to my GP and finally tell someone about my problems. I let it all out – suicide attempt, depression, loneliness, my inability to perform tasks – the whole thing. In turn, my GP put me in touch with the Crisis team and from that moment, things started to happen.

Next thing I knew, a psychiatrist came out to see me at the caravan. I was assessed in terms of my medication and they also put me in touch with the Doorway team in Chippenham. I have to say that was probably the best thing to have happened to me in a long long time!

At first I could not face it! The idea of seeing people, having to talk about my personal problems and potentially being judged by strangers was too much to bear! But again, I plucked up the courage and decided to give it a go. My first visit was not easy. I was feeling seriously low and I could not even walk inside the building. It was only through the kindness and gentle persuasion given by Lisa that I eventually managed to step inside. I knew this would take a time to get used to. I couldn’t eat or drink in front of people and my first visits were hard to face.

After a few weeks of attending I started to feel more confident. I actually started to enjoy speaking to other people who attended, understanding I was not alone and others were suffering the same as me.

Some of the basic issues I had were addressed. Simple things you take for granted, but had become massive obstacles for me. Things like taking a shower, getting the laundry done, being given deodorant, clean socks and pants. They even provided me with some new clothing and bedding and sorted out a pill dispenser. Even down to the point of providing me with food takeouts, because of my anxiety of not being able to eat in front of people. They helped with all these things and more. They helped me feel human again. I got so much help and support. Lisa again coaxed me, showing me that I just needed to deal with small tasks at first. Small steps – one at a time!

You could think that I had now finally turned the corner and life would start to blossom again for me. But depression doesn’t let you off that easily. I started to drink again and the loneliness was never far away. A cold, wet miserable winter only added to my mental state. The caravan developed leaks in the roof.  A lack of heating and constant dampness only added to my misery. The field I was in became waterlogged and I even managed to pick myself up a case of trench foot!

Another suicide attempt followed. Luckily once again, it was just an attempt. I continued to visit the Doorway team who put me in contact with Turning Point, who I am now currently working with. Let’s see where that takes me!

But for now, I continue to regularly visit the Doorway team and for me they are a lifeline! They make me feel safe and perhaps more importantly equal. They don’t judge, they just help. There is genuine care and they look out for you. If I miss a session, they give me a call and check I’m ok.

It’s a reason to get out of the caravan and I now look forward to my visits. They never fail to put a smile on my face and always manage to make me laugh. I particularly love the cries of ‘Got clean socks? Got clean pants?’ when I take a shower. Makes me feel cared for! You have no idea how much that can mean.

They know me there now. They can tell if I’m taking a turn for the worse! They remind me to take the meds if I forget. They keep an eye on my dog for me. Even he has issues! Food allergies bless him. They helped me once again with new bedding after the last suicide attempt and taped up my hand so I could take a shower. I even got a hamper (kindly donated from Honda) which I ate alone on Christmas day – tearful from the kindness shown to me. Just recently, I got a hug from one of them – my first one for over a year.

Maybe the best advice they could have given me was not to hide things from family. They told me to talk and explain my issues and weaknesses. That has helped hugely and I am even now managing a day out now and again with ‘lost’ family!

My time with the Doorway team has taught me just how easy it is to fall into a desperate state.  I meet all sorts of characters there and I now enjoy their company. Many are broken from life, just the same as me. They’re not drunks and junkies as you might think. They are all beautiful people with a story to tell. They could be the fireman who saves your kids or the guy that fixes your car.

Places like Doorway are important. They play a vital role in finding accommodation, food, clothes or sleeping bags for rough sleepers. They put you in contact with other support teams and are there when you need them. For me, they saved my life. It’s that simple. There is not much out there that offers help. This I have come to realise. Without their support I would not be here today.

So that’s me. I’m on the mend and feeling optimistic. I don’t feel like ending it all right now, mainly down to the friends I have made. I have a long way to go, but I know I can rely on the Doorway team. Hopefully one day I can pay back some of the kindness they have shown me – maybe be able to help others myself. After all, a problem shared is a problem halved.

But to finish on another cliché, and I may as well considering I started on one, as least I know with Doorway around I may just get by with a little help from my friends!

Richard May 2016

Update March 2017

Richard has moved to a different to a county. He has a new home and is now volunteering at a similar daycentre.

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Doorway Writing Group March 2017

Doorway Writing group March 2017
A good session – as ever!
• We talked about rabbits and fish – well, why ever not?
• T and I had an interesting conversation about writers’ block and also about writing letters – probably, we concluded, something we should all do more of.
• Following on from our discussion last time about reading long novels, K had risen to the challenge and finished reading Dombey and Son (Dickens); he’d even written a summary of the plot – see below.
• K and N completed this month’s crossword and a number of guests contributed answers to some of the clues.
• Q and J had a fascinating talk about life events and how these can make for effective stories. Watch this space.
• J contributed yet another wonderful poem – see below.

Happy reading!

Advice from a guest (anon)
Take the good moments
And remember
When it gets tough.

Shattered Accommodation (a Poem by J)
Carrying bags across the tracks
To the place amongst wild garlic and ivy,
Elm trees.
Looking at the stars at night
And wondering
Where has the wind blown my tarpaulin this time.
Cursing and fumbling in the dark
Gathering a bundle of sodden bedding

Down the road to the dusty old warehouse
With the broken windows
Asbestos and obsolete machinery
Scurryings amongst the rubbish
And the partitions.

This is the history of shattered accommodation
Blasted by gales
Where everything fails
But pitch, pine and nails.

Dombey and Son in Miniature (plot summary by K)

Dombey, Paul, had been the son but now no father. Had a daughter, had a wife, had no son. Then he had a son, but lost his wife in process. Miss Tox a friend of Mr Dombey’s sister sent her neighbour, Polly Toodle to be a wet nurse called Mrs Richards. Mrs Richards and Susan Nipper took both kids to Polly Toodle’s house one day then lost the daughter. She was re-united by Walter who worked for Dombey and Son as well as being the nephew of a nautical instrument maker. Mrs Richards (aka Polly Toodle) was given her notice and marching orders.
Son, Paul didn’t flourish, sent to Brighton for the air to Mrs Pipchin’s then to school at the Flimber’s, also in Brighton. The instrument maker fell on hard times and Walter went to Brighton and requested a loan from Dombey and Son his employer. Dombey the father asked Dombey the Son and Dombey the son agreed the loan and gave Walter a note to hand to Mr Carker (James) to authorise the payment.
Shortly after, Walter was sent to the West lndies by Dombey and Son but the ship was wrecked en voyage. Walter escaped but on a vessel bound for China so nobody knew where he was. The daughter Florence was heartbroken.
Major Bagstock, a neighbour of Miss Tox, took Dombey to Leamington where they met Mrs Grainger and her aunt. Dombey was engaged to marry the niece before they left Leamington. The marriage wasn’t a success and Carker (James) attempted to elope with Mrs Dombey number two. They ran to Dijon but Dombey found out and travelled to France and Carker James was then no more, he didn’t find Mrs Dombey number two though.
Dombey and Son was declared bankrupt, Walter came back then so did his uncle who had gone to the West lndies looking for him. Florence married Walter, Mr Toots married Susan Nipper the maid, the teacher married Dr Flimber’s daughter and was given the school. Mr Dombey was humbled, Mrs Dombey number two met Florence but didn’t meet Mr Dombey again.
And then they all lived happily ever after 878 pages.

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